Take one: Raven's about halfway down the aisle when Azazel disappears. As the smoke clears, she says, "Oh, he better not have just left me at the altar. Motherfucker."
"Raven, language," Charles counsels from the front of the church. In retrospect, he probably shouldn't be surprised that she punches his shoulder hard enough that he's definitely going to bruise.
*
Ten minutes later, Azazel is still gone, and Charles attempts to comfort Raven (who's not so much crying as going into loving detail about all the ways she's going to mutilate Azazel when she catches up with him) by recounting a story that he'd usually pretend he never heard.
"Hey, remember what you told me about the first time you guys did it? About how Azazel got so nervous before the main event that he kept doing a The Time Traveler's Wife on you? This is probably like that. I mean, he's got to be nervous, you know?"
"...Whatever," Raven says, and dents the pulpit with her fist.
*
Five minutes later, Azazel reappears. "Sorry," he says. "I really didn't mean to do that. Can we try it again?"
"Of course we can, baby," Raven says, and if Charles didn't know better he would never guess that she was threatening to castrate him thirty seconds ago. She's definitely changed her mind on that one, at least judging by the make-out session she initiates in front of the entire church before returning to the back for take two.
*
Take two: Azazel disappears again.
*
Take three: same.
Reverend Platt is surprisingly cool with the whole 'my church smells like hellfire and brimstone now' thing. When Charles brings it up, he says, "Maybe my congregation will actually stay awake during my sermon this Sunday. That's always a plus in my good book."
*
Take four: Charles says, "Raven, have you considered giving him an inhibitor when he gets back?"
Raven looks at him like he's just suggested drowning a puppy. "First of all, I am not getting married to a drugged person, Charles. And secondly, what the fuck, you know those things take forever to work! With his luck he'd end up getting stranded in Siberia or wherever when it kicked in."
*
Take five: Erik fidgets beside Charles and whispers, "Charles, do me a favor and point out all the non-hetero guys here."
"Absolutely not," Charles says, knowing it always starts off simple like that, but that next Erik will want to know each of their measurements in inches, then how easy each of them is after how many drinks, and then he'll get his charts out. Really, it's easier to Just Say No.
"So you want to keep me all to yourself, huh?" Erik says, flirty, leaning in closer.
Charles rolls his eyes as he edges away. "What do you think?"
Erik huffs and returns to scrutinizing the seated guests.
*
Take six: "I could shoot him in the kneecap for you," Moira offers.
Raven stares at her. "How would that help?"
*
Take seven: Okay, that's enough.
"Raven, as your brother and Azazel's best man, I have decided on a change in plans," Charles says.
*
Take eight: they've dispensed with the whole walking down the aisle bit. Instead, Raven stays up at the front of the church, and this time when Azazel reappears, she takes him by the hand without letting go.
As they look into each other's eyes, Charles knows that there's nothing and no one else that could ground Azazel so thoroughly - just as much as there's nothing and no one else that could gentle Raven.
Take eight is the charm, and Charles can't help crying as soon as they start saying their vows (at one point they stop and wait for him to finish, which - really, he's not being that loud, is that necessary?).
*
Raven and Azazel's first kiss as man and wife remains in the realm of chaste for approximately .083 seconds, after which it swiftly becomes as pornographic as a kiss can while both participants are still technically clothed.
When Azazel disappears for the eighth time, Raven goes with him. They return twelve minutes later, grinning and disheveled.
Charles gets ever so very drunk at the reception in the attempt to wash the images out of his retinas.
The first night after he moves in, Charles waits until Erik is brushing his teeth to say, "You know, I've read the lease, and we could get a dog. I bet Lorna would like that."
Erik spits into the sink. "I hate dogs," he says. "I want a ferret."
"'Exotic' pets are explicitly forbidden in the lease though," Charles says. "I'm pretty sure that includes ferrets. I think they're still illegal in the city anyway."
"So?" Erik says, and spends the next ten minutes expounding on how awesome ferrets are (Charles doubts Erik has ever met a ferret outside of Beastmaster, which he doubts is an accurate portrayal).
*
In the morning, Charles tries to enlist Lorna in his quest for a dog.
"Lorna, how would you like to have a puppy?" he asks her. She hands him a bowl of cereal and he adds, "Thank you, dear."
"You're welcome," Lorna answers. "I want a bear."
"Bears are stupid," Erik says. "Let's get a tiger."
"But I'm allergic to cats," Charles points out. "How about a dog?"
*
Charles is fighting a losing battle, that much is clear as he listens to father and daughter debate the merits of alligators versus cobras (Erik thinks an alligator would be just the thing to guard the apartment, while Lorna thinks cobras could spit poison at any burglars. Charles' declaration that a dog could sound the alarm as well as bite burglars goes ignored).
He's so preoccupied with all of this that he doesn't even notice the ring in among the red-and-orange Os until he bites down onto it with a click.
"Ow," he says, and pulls it out of his mouth. For just a split second as he peers at it on his palm, he thinks it's some trinket, a bottom-of-the-cereal-box prize - but it's far too dense to be plastic.
"Oh, Erik," Charles breathes. "It's beautiful."
And it is, a thick platinum band with a double helix engraved all around it. Charles can't imagine the time and effort it must have taken Erik; detail work has never been his forte.
Charles swallows around the lump in his throat and looks up from the ring to Erik - who, he sees, is glaring at Lorna.
"I thought I told you to wait until I left for work to give him that," Erik complains.
"...Wait, what?" Charles says. "Why couldn't you give it to me yourself?"
"I thought you could get all the crying out of the way while I'm gone so I won't have to deal with it," Erik answers, like this is a totally reasonable statement or something.
"First of all, I'm not going to cry," Charles begins, blinking rapidly.
"Hey, Charles," Lorna interrupts, staring at him intently.
"Hey, what?" Charles says.
"Did you break your tooth?" she asks, looking far more eager than necessary about it. "Are you going to get a filling?"
Lorna has this...thing...about fillings. Erik's had a running feud with the neighbor across the hall for two years now because when Lorna was two, she pulled all his fillings out with her powers. Charles agrees that 'She was just playing, chill out,' probably wasn't the best response on Erik's part, but that Jameson guy really has been a huge asshole about the situation.
"No and no," Charles says. "You know, it's really just so nice that there's half of a romantic soul between the two of you."
*
A little while later, Charles is putting the breakfast dishes into the sink when Erik asks, in that casual tone that means his happiness grade for like the rest of his life depends on the answer, "So, you like it?"
And that's when Charles bursts into - that's when Charles sniffles, once or twice.
Erik sighs; but when Charles whispers into his ear that they could send Lorna over to Azazel and Raven's house and spend the day in bed (or, alternatively, breaking in every available surface outside of the bedroom), he's quick enough to call off work.
"I call mine Magneto," Erik announces, after failing to get any takers on his question ('So what do you guys call your "little guys?"')
Charles isn't about to admit that he sometimes calls his 'little Charles.' He's fairly certain this is just a plot to get the rest of them to whip theirs out anyway, which, again, so not happening. "Magneto? Really, that's what you're going with? You're making it sound like a comic book supervillain or something."
"Exactly," Erik says. He leans toward Charles with his exaggerated think-y face on, which pretty much guarantees something stupid is about to come out of his mouth. "You know what you should call yours, Charles? You should call it Professor SeX."
Well, now Charles really wishes he'd never told Erik about his years-long campaign to convince his students to call him 'Professor X' instead of 'Mr. Xavier.' Because being called 'Mr.' makes him feel old. "I really don't think so."
Erik turns to Azazel and says, "What do you call yours? Oh, I know, I bet you call it Big Red."
"Actually, Big Red is my tail," Azazel says.
"Ohhh, I call my boobs 'lefty' and 'righty,'" Raven chimes in, grinning. "Before you ask which is which, it changes depending on which way Azazel is facing when I'm giving him directions. That way he doesn't get all confused."
"Oh god, can you please not," Charles moans; the last thing in the whole entire world he wants to hear about are his little sister's breasts.
"Yeah, we're not talking about boobs here," Erik says. Charles could kiss him (not, like, literally. he's an English teacher, he's allowed to employ figurative language). "Who wants to hear about boobs anyway?"
"I do," Azazel says, his gaze trained on -
"Let's not talk about anyone's anything," Charles suggests. "Naming body parts is just so juvenile anyway."
"What's this about naming body parts?" Moira asks, sliding into the booth beside Charles.
"We're not naming body parts, no one is naming their body parts," Charles says, in before anyone else can try to have an opinion.
"But didn't you name your legs Rage and Serenity that one time?" Moira asks.
"I absolutely did not," Charles protests, which convinces no one. They're all looking at him expectantly now. Isn't that just great. "Okay, so maybe I did, but in my defense I was really, really drunk at the time."
"Which one's which?" Erik asks, peering under the table at them (Charles has the sudden urge to cross his legs).
Charles sighs. "Okay, so my right leg is Rage because it's the one I trip people with when they really tick me off instead of, you know, like mind-whammying them -" because tripping isn't a felony "- and my left leg is Serenity because for some reason my left toes all curl when I -" it occurs to him that 'when I have a really good orgasm' is not a statement he really wants to make in front of Erik or his sister "- and you know what, this is stupid and juvenile and I'm going to go find a girl to talk to because you guys all suck."
*
Normally Charles is fairly decent when it comes to talking to girls in bars. He has a few different spiels (and they are all awesome, especially the genetics ones), but he knows that mostly what makes girls look at him twice are his goofy smile and his sincerity. Girls like sincere compliments, and Charles' compliments are always that.
But this time, he can feel all his friends' eyes boring into his back and it's making him all self-conscious, and he can't believe Moira told them that stupid Rage and Serenity bit, what the hell, and he just knows Erik is watching his ass right now, and he's usually too distracted to chat up girls when the others are here so he definitely isn't used to having an audience like judging him, and, well -
Charles walks up to a pretty girl sitting at the bar, and what comes out of his mouth is, "Hi there, the name is Charles, Charles SeXavier."
And maybe it would be an icebreaker for some girls, maybe some girls would laugh and forgive him for the slip - but this one, this one says, "Ugh," and takes her drink and goes to sit as far away from him as she can get, and now Charles is standing there at the bar looking like a complete idiot.
*
Charles slinks back to the table, and introduces Erik to Rage when he gets up to use the restroom.